And here comes the greatest story of my life!!!
I have never gone through so much stress, horror and fright! :-P
I took the plane to fly to the Republic of Kazakhstan. As I arrived at the airport, I asked to get a VISA on arrival, but an "I don't give a shit" guy told me that with no welcome letter, I could not get the VISA to enter the country. After several minutes, the staff went to seek the agreement of the immigration officers. But, of course, they refuse to give me the VISA. Instead, they told me that I would be deported to Uzbekistan. I told the guys that to enter Uzbekistan I also needed a VISA and I would be in the same situation as in Kazakhstan. I asked the guys to deport me to a country where I could get a VISA on arrival. But, of course, they didn't give a shit. The only thing the kept repeating was "ImpoSSibol MissteRR, you depoRRted to Tashkent." I even asked them to let me go to the Lufthansa office located just on the other side of the passport control to buy a ticket to go to Germany... "ImpoSSibol MissteRR, you depoRRted to Tashkent." After a distressing hour, a policeman with a "nice" green Russian police hat as big as a cookie and placed backwards ordered me to follow him while moving his walky-talky. He made me pass the passport control to pick-up my suitcase (and "impossible MissteRR" to go to Lufthansa). He then escorted me to an Uzbekistan Airways plane that was up to leave to Tashkent and departed. I was left there alone with my destiny with my huge bag in the plane with all the passengers looking at me.
Once in the plane, the crew was completely unable to help me and, of course, they didn't give a shit about my fate. I spent the whole flight (1h30) looking at Uzbekistan Airways schedule with an extreme distress.
As the plane landed in Uzbekistan and parked in the middle of the airport track, an Uzbek police officer entered the plane with deportation forms and started to speak in a local language to the airplane crew. At the same time, all the passengers that were waiting to come down from the plane looked at me... MAMA MIA! What was going to happen to me!!??
I got down of the plane and tried to seek assistance from the ground crew, but, of course, nobody gave a shit about me. Finally, a guy asked me to jump in a bus that took me along with other passengers to a place that almost turned into my home for 3 days... JODEROSTIAPUTA!
I arrived in this transit lounge in which I had been 4 hours earlier before taking my plane to Kazakhstan. It was so packed and people were smoking so much that it looked like the worst coffee shop in Amsterdam. There I met a kind fat and seating guy that was as unhelpful as a chickpea in a fishbowl filled with Coca-Cola... The guy told me that I would be deported to Azerbaijan... YES! In Azerbaijan I could get a visa on arrival! What the guy failed to compute (as if he was running on Windows XP) was that the next flight to Baku was three days later!!! I then thought soooo much about Tom Hanks in "The Terminal", a movie that I had seen before getting in all those FCK#@* planes few days earlier! And... hold your pants! Do you know what date it was???
...
...
11 September 2006...
In my agony, I even thought about President O'Bushy!!
As I saw in the Uzbekistan Airways magazine that a plane was up to leave to Bangkok, I asked the guy to deport me to Thailand, but again: "ImpoSSibol MissteRR, you depoRRted to Baku." I just wanted to "deport" my huge suitcase into his big fat ass!! My suitcase would have flown a short way to reach his "CULO"!
I then asked the guy if I could buy a ticket to Bangkok. He told me "Of course! 800 dollars." Ese hijo de puta just wanted to get 800 dollars for his pocket! I told him that I only had 300 dollars and asked him where those US dollars could take me. And, of course: "ImpoSSibol MissteRR, you depoRRted to Tashkent oRR buy ticket to Bangkok."
My worst nightmare was just starting. I told the guy that I needed to get an ATM to get the additional 500 dollars. But... where did I think I was!??? In Uzbekistan they don't even know what an ATM is!! They guy told me that the only place where I could get money was at the banks which were already closed. He then offered me to go on the next day to a bank to take some money and buy a ticket to Bangkok. I think the guy was in the process of delivering a "Windows blue screen" coz what he had been unable to compute was that there was only a flight per week leaving to Thailand and it was on that same night. Also, he didn't get that as I had no VISA, I could not exit... "THAT" transit lounge. The guy then move his shoulders, looked me with his sweaty face and said "soRRy SiRR" and left.
I went to a kind of office in "THAT" transit lounge where they were another "chickpea in a fishbowl filled with Coca-Cola (woman)" was controlling all the passengers tickets manually and asked her to re-route my ticket and get me to Europe or wherever the fuck she wanted. But, of course, as she didn't give a shit about me: "ImpoSSibol MissteRR, you depoRRted to Baku."
I went to another "kind of office" to see the immigration guys. One of the guys that did not give a shit nor a turd about me was playing an old game in a computer similar to the ones I used for my internship report back in 1997... Another guy tried to help me but told me that he could not let me leave the airport even to go and sleep in a hotel for the 3 days of captivity. He helped me to call the French embassy in Tashkent but of course... these French are proud of their 35 hour week and don't want to be bother outside of office hours even in emergency situations. So I had no emergency phone number to call. Finally, all the lounge staff met in one of the "offices" and started to tell me that the only thing I could do was to stay 3 days in "THAT" horrible lounge for three days until I was deported to Azerbaijan. I begged all of them to help me but, of course, they didn't give a shit about me.
Hopefully, my guardian angel called Kim Gautrin was still in "THAT" transit lounge... Kim is a marvelous Malaysian woman who I had met in a plane on my way from Baku to Tashkent. Once in Tashkent, she had to remain in "THAT" transit lounge for 8 hours before taking a plane to Malaysia. During her 8 hours transit in Uzbekistan, I had the time to go to Kazakhstan, kiss the immigration guys' asses and be deported back to Tashkent (Uzbekistan). After two hours of moral agony, I approached Kim and explained her my situation. Although se had just known me for two hours, Kim saved my life by giving me the 800 dollars to get out of "THAT" transit lounge. I was so happy that I didn't even know how to behave! Kim saved my life! As some people said, there are only very few persons like that in the world and I just met one!! You couldn't imagine how thankful I was to Kim!!
I ran towards my fatty sweaty man, gave him the dollars and asked him for a ticket. The guy smiled (of course he did!!!), took my passport and left me in "THAT" transit lounge for almost one hour. Meanwhile, Kim took her plane to Kuala Lumpur. I am still amazed about how much she trusted me as to give me 800 dollars... (which, of course, I gave her back few days later). During the waiting time, I spoke with the "ImpoSSibol MissteRR, you depoRRted to Baku" guys from the ticket control office. I gave them a pack of Indonesian clove cigarettes which they found interesting. As I was so happy, I started to behave in a more positive way and the Spaniard that was in me became friendly and funny. Several nice Uzbek girls asked me several questions about my life and showed interest about me! There was even a security guard that told me that his colleague (woman) wanted to date me!! JO-DER!!!
Finally, a friendly guy escorted me to a 1993 Airbus 310 that was as clean as a mouldy carpet cleaned with a rusty brush. Although I asked a pillow to two different hostesses, I was never provided one because, of course, they didn't give a shit about me.
Few days later, I decided to take a look at my Uzbekistan Airways ticket to Bangkok. When I checked the price, I discovered that the ticket was worth 600 dollars and not 800 as the guy asked me to pay him. That's the legacy of the Communist Soviet Union!
\\\CORRUPTION - CORRUPTION - CORRUPTION - CORRUPTION///
And well... since the scariest time of my life, I have really become a man and I will be able to tell the story to my grandsons!
PFIUUUU!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH KIM!!! I OWE YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!
